One-Minute Action News Headlines

Good evening. I'm Bip Ripley and this --


-- is One Minute Action News. And your headlines!


Congress plans $5,000 Cap on Back-Taxes for Cabinet Nominees!


President Obama warns: Senate Failure to Confirm Deputy Undersecretary of the Bureau of Labor Statistics "Could Lead to Catastrophe"


NBC announces New Reality Show: Rahm Emanuel, Rod Blagojevich and Suzanne Somers Will Live Together in Tiny One-Bedroom Apartment!


Former Veep Dick Cheney warns of greatest threat to United States: "Spiteful Troll" Al Franken in Senate


Helen Thomas mistaken for endangered reptile, imprisoned in DC Zoo for 48 hours


Support for Stimulus package wanes; more Americans now believe Nancy Pelosi's face is natural


Chris Dodd's Mortgage Papers accidentally rolled up and smoked by Michael Phelps


And finally, in lifestyle news, the New York Times predicts that "Keith Olbermann bobble-head dolls could be the future of broadcast journalism".


This has been One Minute Action News! I'm Bip Ripley, saying "so long, suckaz!"

One Minute Action News: January 6, 2009

Good evening. I'm Bip Ripley and this --


-- is One Minute Action News!


And now the headlines: Bernard Madoff accused of running massive Ponzi scheme: Social Security


Obama names new head of CIA, old experienced hand Sandy Berger


UN calls for truce between Microsoft and Google


Teachers Unions defend Obama's choice of private schools for kids


Blago has a new pick for Illinois Senator: Dan Rostenkowski


Somali pirates acquire General Motors


and, finally, Al Jazeera, NPR and Media Matters announce new cable channel for kids


This has been One Minute Action News! I'm Bip Ripley and thanks for --

One Minute Action News Headlines

• SOMALI PIRATES TO BUY CITIGROUP (SeekingAlpha)

• THE LEAKS WILL FLOW LIKE WINE (Hillary will accept Secretary of State post -- Ace o' Spades)

• THE PET ROCK PRESIDENCY (Strata-Sphere)

• AS INDIVIDUAL AS THE MAN WHO DRIVES IT -- The PELOSI GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition from Congressional Motors (Iowahawk)

• ADVISERS LOWERING EXPECTATIONS FOR PRESIDENT-IN-TRAINING (Jammie Wearing Fool)

• CREATIVE DESTRUCTION -- the UAW as buggywhip (Denny)

• GATEWAY PUNDIT: AS MANLY AS A SEWING BLOG (Gateway Pundit - but this site got a 91%, b***hes)

One Minute Action News: June 10, 2008

Good evening. I'm Bip Ripley and this --

-- is One Minute Action News!

Gas prices hit another record high... a national average of $4.04 a gallon.

In reaction, Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich attempted to launch impeachment proceedings against President Bush for "lying the country into war," a move certain to lower gas prices.

Also, Democrats in Congress proposed to raise taxes on gas by levying a "windfall profits tax" on American oil companies. How raising taxes on gas companies will lower prices for consumers is a scientific mystery -- but that hasn't deterred the dauntless Democrat Party.

Such a "windfall" tax was last attempted during the Carter administration and it was a roaring success -- if you liked gas lines, 15% inflation, 8% unemployment and wearing sweaters in the winter.

Meanwhile, caribou in ANWR are picketing, demanding similar treatment to their cousins at the Prudhoe Bay oil field, where their population is up by over 900%.

Democrats issued a firm rebuke to the caribou, the harshest of which was Harry Reid's rhetorical question, "Who do the caribou think they are? Which is more important -- our initiative to compromise American's national security or growing the wildlife population?"

House leader Nancy Pelosi echoed Reid's statements. "Drilling for oil would strengthen America and give it time to become energy independent while developing green energy sources. We can't permit that!"

Now, Paul "Big Pussy" Spatafore with your seven second weather forecast...

Holy s**t, it's f****g hot out there, Skip! Gimme a f*****g break - I'm sweatin' like a f*****g bad check!

Thanks, Puss. Is it still called "climate change" or is it "global warming" now that it's summer?

Shut the f**k up before I come over there and kick your f*****g ass, you walking hairpiece!

Allllllriiiiighty then... let's swing over to Summer Arrington with seven second sports!

Thanks, Bip! Here are today's betting lines and last night's scores! Remember, if you want tonight's lock o' the week - just visit TonyVig.com!

Thank you, Summer. Love the outfit. Tomorrow night's feature: Barack Obama answers questions about the rumored Michelle "Whitey" video. Don't miss it.

I'm Bip Ripley and this has been today's One Minute Action News... when you don't have a second to spare.

Channel 5 One Minute Action News

This is Biff Ripley and welcome to Channel 5's One Minute Action News... all the news you need in a minute or less.


Dear Bank of America, now that you encourage illegal aliens to open credit-card accounts, we've got a wager going here at the station. What's the next BofA marketing gimmick? Hezbollah-branded credit-cards or a line of credit for the Mullahs to build nukes?


Al Franken's running for the Senate. Watch out Neil Kinnock, Joe Biden's got a new b**ch!


A giant luminescent squid was photographed by a Japanese research team at a depth of over 750 feet. Can you say glow-in-the-dark sushi? Garnish with a little wasabi, turn out the lights, and -- oh, baby -- it's a rubbery taste explosion in your mouth!


What could possibly go wrong with slamming methadone while pregnant? I guess we now know the answer to that longstanding scientific question.


Finally, nothing spoils your morning like a JDAM slamming into the roof of your outhouse during the morning "read". This may explain reports that radical Shi'ite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr fled to Iran.


This has been Biff Ripley with One Minute Action News... when you don't have a second to spare.