President to send Kwame Kilpatrick to investigate allegations of meth, porn, guns and graft inside Department of Interior's Spill Control Agency

Citing growing public anger over allegations of drug abuse, Internet porn surfing and outright graft inside the Department of Interior, President Obama today dispatched former Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to the Gulf region.

"No one is more qualified to deal with these kinds of outrageous activities than my good friend Kwame," the President said in a prepared statement delivered at the White House. "And his efforts will be just as effective as my referring these kinds of cases to the Director of the Minerals Management Service."

Okay, I've got to come clean: I made up the part about Kilpatrick -- but not the outcome of the "investigations".

The Minerals Management Service, the federal agency responsible for all offshore oil and gas regulation, has dined, partied, fired off shotguns, hunted, golfed, and shared Web porn -- and in a couple of cases even done cocaine and meth -- with employees of the very companies they're supposed to be regulating, according to a newly released Interior Department report...

The report also describes the case of a MMS clerical employee who used cocaine and meth with an inspector... And then there's the porn problem. The report describes numerous incidences of porn being forwarded from government computers...

...The biggest offenders were fired some time ago, but despite all these transgressions, the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Western District of Louisiana declined this case for prosecution in October 2009. The report explains that "This case is being referred to the Director of the Minerals Management Service for any action deemed appropriate."

The report casts a blinding light on the Mineral Management Service's tarnished record as it becomes clear that ethical and regulatory lapses are common in the agency. A regional MMS office in Alaska featured a cake with the words "Drill Baby Drill" at a recent reception, for example, and MMS officers were accused in 2008 of accepting sex and ski trips from oil company representatives.

Gee, Fredo, I can't wait to what kind of devious s*** the 111 new federal health care agencies -- staffed with thousands of SEIU members -- come up with.

We're in the very best of hands.


Update: Kinda, sorta related -- well, not really: Somali Coast Cruise Package.