President Obama appoints Kwame Kilpatrick to lead independent investigation of Sestak bribery allegations

Citing growing dissatisfaction with the effort to clear the White House of bribery allegations, President Obama ordered former political ally Kwame Kilpatrick to investigate the charges.

"Few men in the United States have the deep experience with graft, corruption, bribery, and political duplicity than my good friend Kwame," the President said early Wednesday, "That is why I trust him completely to investigate fully the charges that I did something untoward or improper."

In related news, a self-described "Blue Ribbon Commission" consisting of David Axelrod, Rahm Emanuel, Franklin Raines and Jamie Gorelick completed their investigation of the allegations that Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA) had been offered a job in exchange for dropping out of the Senate race with Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA).

Gorelick stated that, "After a thorough and complete review, consisting of exhaustive interviews, research and Google searches, all of which consumed nearly 20 minutes, we have determined that the White House only offered Mr. Sestak a Pop Tart and a cup of coffee. Thanks to incredible cooperation by all levels of government, we've concluded that absolutely no improper activity took place, aside from Mr. Sestak taking a whiz off the Lincoln balcony."