Obama Lands Terrorist Olympics for Illinois

In an attempt to redeem himself for failing to secure the Olympic Games for Chicago, President Obama announced today that Illinois will host the Terrorist Olympic Games this summer.

Using competitors sourced from Gitmo and rendition sites around the world, the events will include:

Bus Pull: A Festivus-style feat of strength, the Bus Pull is a timed event with an exciting finish. Entrants wear suicide martyrdom belts and must pull the bus past the finish line before the timer ticks down to zero.

Chemical weapon Decathlon: a cloud of spray from Saddam Hussein's stockpile of WMDs descends on a football field as contestants race from one goal line to the other: first to retrieve masks at the other end, then back to the original goal line -- and survival.

Escape from Abu Ghraib: competitors dive, climb and crawl their way to simulated freedom while being chased by German Shepherds.

Heated High Jump: a flaming ring continues to rise until each contestant must be doused with water. Unique to this event, the winner also receives a mink coat.

Tickets for all events are available through Eric Holder's Department of Justice.


Update: 51% of Illinois residents oppose hosting the TerroRlympics -- or just housing the terrorists at all.