Johnny Horton's classic song Battle of New Orleans retooled for the Era of Obama

Remember this old classic?

You know, written at a time when entertainers supported America and lionized its heroes? Well, if that song were written today, we'd have to revamp some of the lyrics to ensure political correctness.

Johnny Horton's Battle of New Orleans
In 1814 we took a little trip
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
Because bacon contributes to high-blood pressure and obesity, the City of New York requires that this line be replaced with:
"We took a little tofu and we took a little beans"
And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.
Please do not specifically name the enemy (e.g., "Muslim terrorists"), the Associated Press requires we instead use generic descriptions:
"And we caught the loyalist gunmen in the town of New Orleans"

[Chorus:]
We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin'.
MoveOn.org requires that the enemy be suitably warned using appropriate legal and lawfare mechanisms:
"We served our warrants and the British kept a'comin'."
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin' on
MoveOn.org also requires non-deadly force be utilized:
"We fired our tasers and they began a'runnin' on"
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

We looked down the river and we see'd the British come.
And there must have been a hundred of' 'em beatin' on the drum.
PETA requires that drumskins be made from non-animal sources:
"And there must have been a hundred of 'em beatin' on their synthetic drum-skins"
They stepped so high and they made the bugles ring.
We stood by our cotton bales and didn't say a thing.

[Chorus]

Old Hickory said we could take 'em by surprise
If we didn't fire our muskets 'til we looked 'em in the eye
The Brady Coalition to Ban Guns requires the following alteration:
"If we didn't fire our pepper-spray 'til we looked 'em in the eye"
We held our fire 'til we see'd their faces well.
Then we opened up with squirrel guns and really gave 'em ... well
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley requires removal of references to actual firearms:
"Then we opened up with calls to 9-1-1 and really gave 'em ... well"

[Chorus]

Yeah, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go.
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.**

We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down.
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
The Association for Cruelty to Animals objects to this verse and requires the following changes:
"So we grabbed a dead soldier and we fought another round."
We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
"We filled his head with paintballs, and powdered his behind"
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.
"And when we touched the powder off, the ol' boy lost his mind."

[Chorus]

Yeah, they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles
Greenpeace requires that any references to damage to wildlife be minimized:
"Yeah, they ran gently through the briars and ran through the brambles without disturbing the flora and fauna"
And they ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go.
They ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

Service Employees International Union also requests a reference to unionizing soldiers.

Hat tip: Cowboy Lyrics.