The Olbermann Gambit

 
Note: CBS has put the entire original Star Trek series online. I could think of nothing better to with it than this. Yes, I am a loser.

* * *

Captain's log, stardate one thousand, seven hundred forty-four point two and one-third.


During a routine patrol of the Gateway Nebula, we have discovered a strange ship broadcasting a powerful signal, the content of which has defied logic and reason.


Lt. Uhura, open hailing frequencies.


Aye aye, sir!

...Sir, a signal's coming through. I'll put it on-screen.


Well, well, well... if isn't Captain Kirk, the fascist war-monger?


Keith Olbermann? In an NBC Space Station? If we really were fascists, you'd already be atomized and floating in the Larwyn Particle Field.


Always quick with the... words, aren't you, Mr. Word... Quicker...? And I see you're still accompanied by your First Mate, Commander Spock. The brains behind your throne... the real Captain... the puppet-master... the master-planner...


We get the picture, Olby.


And another neocon, just like you. And he, too, landed a cushy Starship job and both of you avoided serving in the Space Infantry during the Bug Wars of '16.


Er, we serve in Starfleet, Olbermann, not with the Space Marines.


No matter, Kirk, the time for talk is done. It is time for me to unleash my greatest weapon...


Captain! Sensors indicate the NBC ship is powering all of its circuits on... preparing for something...


...


Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.


Its five-year mission to understand liberalism. Or progressivism. Or whatever it's called these days.


To seek out intelligence among the left.


To boldly go... where no sane person has gone before!

...

Captain! Sensors indicate the NBC ship is powering all of its circuits on... preparing for something...


Yes, that's right, Kirk. I'm turning my hit galactic show into a non-stop campaign commercial for Barack Obama...


Doesn't The O'Instapundit Factor get five times the HV viewers and ten times the number of subscribers to its holographic RSS podcast?


Enough! Obama will be the next President of the United Federation of Planets, thanks to me, and I will control him!


Not if I can help it, Olbermann.


Ha! Check your approval levels, Captain...


Captain! Our approval levels are sinking...


It's only a matter of time until they'll be unrecoverable.


Yes, that's right, Captain. All of us original space media types have agreed to collaborate... positioning your war on the Romulans as a "War-for-Dilithium-Crystals".


You know as well as I do that the Romulans attacked us first... an unprovoked attack, I might add.


But it was the Federation's involvement with Izar, which was right in the middle of Romulan territory, that ticked them off!


Olbermann, you're still as deranged as ever. We were at war with the Romulans hundreds of years before the Izaris colonized their tiny desert planet. And, then, they simply asked for our help. No one seemed to want that planet; nor did anyone come to the aid of the Izaris... until we stepped up. The entire Izari people would have perished had we not done so.

But go ahead and rewrite history. I've caught your broadcast before and you seem to be good at it.


Enough! You can't possibly stop me now...


Can't I? I may have an Ace up my sleeve. Mr. Spock, Mr. Scott, Dr. McCoy, report to the transporter room immediately and execute plan HR-69.


I anticipated your order and am already here, Cap'n, with the HR-69 package.


Excellent, Mr. Scott. Make sure the package is in suitable shape and then execute the plan.


Beaming the package to the NBC Space Station now, sir


What the hell are you up to, Kirk?


Just dropping off one of your dearest old friends to help you with your broadcast. The next supply ship will be here in two years, arriving from Surber 12. So I'm sure you'll enjoy each other's company 'til then.


But... but... you can't... you can't... leave me here with...


Oh, I can and I will, Olbermann. Enjoy the next two years listening to someone as whacked out as you are.


But I won't stand for this... I'll file a protest... I --


Kirk out.


Quite an elegant solution, Captain. Sticking two different kinds of moonbats together... that might cure them of their progressivism.

But you may have forgotten one tiny detail.


What's that, Mr. Spock?


What happens if they procreate?



Linked by: Denny at GOC and Don Surber. Thanks!