"Grandma was a Cracker": a speech by Barack Obama

 
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Four score and seven years ago, my white grandmother first set foot on these shores, an immigrant with a limitless future and the promise of a job in the country's first Maaco™ franchise. Her success inspired the title of my third book, "Dreams of My Audacious Grandmother," which will soon be available on Amazon.com.

My parents came from a diverse background, he a Muslim who ended up in Kenya; she a professional synchronized swimmer with a penchant for erotic macrame. Their stories haven't made me the most conventional candidate, other than the typical shady land deals you'd expect of any Democrat.

So to say that race hasn't played a part in my campaign would be inaccurate, though it didn't turn divisive until Bubba Clinton got involved. But the real polarization hit the fan with a splat this past week. On the one hand, there are the wide-eyed liberals who view my candidacy as a racial comeuppance for the country -- a political Mandingo, if you will.


On the other hand we've heard my former pastor's shocking language. He has expressed all sorts of outlandish views.


Wright said "G*dd**n America," for instance. That we deserved 9/11. That the U.S. government invented the HIV virus to kill African-Americans. And called our country the USKKA. Said that Louis Farrakhan epitomized greatness. That Bill Clinton "rode dirty" on Monica, while simulating that humping motion you see in porn movies, though he was in church at the time. Plus, he cursed a lot in church. A lot. I thought that was kinda neat. Wakes you up during the sermons.


I attended Reverend Wright's church every Sunday for 20 years, but I strongly disavow all of his sermons. None of which I actually heard, by the way, because I was really sound asleep during every single one.


But I can not disown Reverend Wright any more than I can my white grandmother. She was a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed for me, but a woman who is -- seriously -- a cracker. She called me the n-word on numerous occasions but always followed it up with a rimshot.

My other grandmother, a Kenyan who still lives in Africa, also loves me. When I visited her home a couple of years ago, she made me drink something that tasted like goat piss, only tangier. My cousins told me that she thinks I'm a Muslim apostate who should be stoned to death, but that's a sign of love and concern, not hate.

I intend to be a uniter, a man who can bring together people of all races and creeds. Kind of like a political Elvis, only without the current drug problem.


Furthermore, my philosophy of militant pacifism, which I learned from visionaries like William Ayers, allows me to consider unconventional policies. That we talk seriously with any dictator on the planet: Ahmedinejad and Gaddhafi, for starters. That we unilaterally disarm ourselves to set a fantastic new precedent.

In other words, we can lead the world to a utopian existence where everyone earns the same amount of money and there is no war. But we need a leader to take us there. I consider myself that leader; a president in the mold of Jimmy Carter, only with no economic credentials and lacking any sort of military experience.

Recently, Chris Matthews said something that sent a thrill going up my leg. No, "it" didn't move. He said my speech today was worthy of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was not only a great orator, he was a man I truly admire. My spiritual mentor believes Lincoln was a misbegotten cracker, but he never said so within earshot of me.

Put simply, my campaign transcends race. The fact that I have attended a hate-filled, anti-American black nationalistic church for 20 years proves that fact. That we have a choice in this country. We can play Reverend Wright sermons on every channel all day long or we can elect me President to show how far we've come.


Now, if you'll excuse me, Reverend Wright, Minister Farrakhan and I have a flight to catch.


Update: DANEgerus, Don Surber, Gateway Pundit and Vanderleun gift-wrap reax to Obama's more perfect union.