Obama's Utopia

What would constitute a liberal utopia?

Cars would be restricted in size, to meet emissions and fuel consumption regulations.

Fuel prices would be stratospheric due to a combination of drilling prohibitions and oppressive taxation. Oil drilling would be banned in all locations, and rigs would sit idle despite the country's massive energy supplies.

Mass transit will therefore be required of most citizens.

A government lottery, however, will give a lucky few the option to purchase vehicles of their own. All cars are painted white, because mixing other colors of paint can result in the release of excess greenhouse gases like carbon dioxide.

Tax policy will encourage citizens to live in planned housing units, which consume less of the country's precious energy supplies.

"Smart-grid" technology will meter energy usage, pricing it by time-of-day and number of persons in the household. Power can be cut off to a household if predefined government limits are exceeded.

All lights in housing units will be required to use compact fluorescent lamps. These lamps, although they contain toxic levels of mercury, can help reduce energy consumption and thereby prevent global warming.

And housing units will require special water-saving sink-toilets. These will allow the recapture of sink water waste into the toilet tank, which is further reduced in size because of water shortages.

Because of environmental regulations, access to clean water will be significantly restricted. The possibility of an environmental impact that could affect certain species prevents humans from tapping into a natural water supply without years of review.

All humans are inherently good if they can only be reasoned with. Open borders and streamlined paths to full citizenship are required of us if we are to gain full a measure of respect from Europe.

We know that open borders can inevitably lead to some unfortunate accidents -- an increase in suicide bombings by misguided extremists, for example -- but they must be tolerated to foster a forgiving, modern society.

If you are lucky enough to find a job -- inside the government or out -- you will need to join a union. Unions protect the rights of workers and ensure additional oversight over oppressive businesses.

You could decline to join a union, of course. It's your right as an American. But your choice will be public and the union may send recruiters to your home to encourage you to join up.

Once you join, your union dues will seem like an extra 5% tax on your wages. But they are necessary to preserve your rights in the workplace.

This may seem like a lot of government intrusion in your life. But consider all of the benefits.

Your first year of college: free.

Health care: free.

A basic level of retirement income: free.

All that the government asks is that you vote. For the Democrat Party. For Big Government.

For Barack Obama. And for Change.


Hat tip: Mark Levin.