CSI: Waziristan

In 2009, the Obama administration directed that terrorists captured on the battlefield be granted the rights of U.S. citizens...

Welcome to Waziristan, Mr...

Grissom. Gil Grissom.

I'm Lance Corporal Case. I was told by my CO that you wanted to speak with me.

Yep, we do. We understand that your unit captured Abu Ayab Mashadani, the accused terrorist.

That's correct, sir.

Can you tell me what happened?

Sir, we ran into an ambush while on patrol. The Taliban opened fire on my squad. Mashadani was firing an AK-47 and I shot him twice, wounding him.

Son, did you preserve all of the evidence?

Evidence?

Yes, son, like the empty shell casings from the AK-47! Did you put on gloves to pick them up?

Uhm, no sir. Not only did I not put on gloves, I didn't save any -er- evidence. Sorry.

Well, how in the hell can we prove he was shooting at you? Well, please tell me that you read him his rights.

Rights?

His Miranda Rights!

Uh, sir, no sir. I really forgot - what with all the rounds flying and such.

For the love of... dammit, son, didn't you hear that Gitmo was closed?

Yes, sir.

That means all prisoners go to the States where they get criminal trials. Unless we don't have a lick of evidence... which seems to be the case here.

I'm very sorry, sir.

...which just means you can release the prisoner. Let him go.

Sir??? What??

Blame Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, son, it's not my fault. You've got to just let 'em go.

Dammit, sir, he's just gonna start shooting at us again!

Maybe you could write a letter to your Representative about reopening Gitmo.

Yes, sir. I've definitely got some ideas about the first prisoners if it reopens. The first ones in should be some of these treasonous SOB's responsible for closing the most humane prison in the world.

Well, if you start rounding 'em up, I'd like to nominate Barney Frank, Chris Dodd and Nancy Pelosi.