Star Trek: The Stimulus Doomsday Machine

A badly garbled distress call was just received.


Captain, computer scanning recognized the name United States... then we lost the signal...


Our sensors show this entire region has been destroyed.


Nothing left but rubble and asteroids.


That's incredible...


Nonetheless, Captain, sensors show nothing but debris where we charted a vibrant and healthy society just a few years ago.


Continue search pattern, Mr. Sulu.


Every solar system... blasted into rubble, sir.


Last time we were here, George W. Bush was in command. What could have happened to them?


Sir, I'm picking up a faint disaster beacon...


It's another starship... it appears heavily damaged...


On-screen -- it's the USS Republican...


...disabled by whatever destroyed the United States...


He was attacked! Red alert! Man your battle stations.


...


Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.


Its five-year mission to understand liberalism. Or progressivism. Or whatever it's called these days.


To seek out intelligence among the left.


To boldly go... where no sane person has gone before!


...


...Mr. Sulu...


Initiate a full scan of the area for any ships in the vicinity.


I can't raise anyone on the Rebublican.


Readings are difficult due to subspace interference, but the bridge has taken heavy damage and may be uninhabitable. The rest of the ship does seem capable of sustaining life.


All scanners show clear, Captain.


Sir... sensors indicate there is one person aboard... barely clinging to life...


Transporter room: beam him up... Dr. McCoy, meet him in the transporter room and be prepared for a trauma victim.


Sulu, stand down, let's go to yellow alert.


...


Jim, you better get down to sickbay... he's conscious, but still in shock.


On my way. See if you can find out what happened to the United States.


I'm a doctor, not a mind-reader... just get down here...


George W. Bush... what happened to the Republican? Where is the United States?


Jim? Jim Kirk?


George, it's me. What happened?


I... I...


Horrible... Dodd... Frank... Pelosi...


They say there's no devil, Jim... but there is...


Right out of hell... I saw it...


What? Dodd, Frank, Pelosi? They're imbeciles... they posed no threat to the United States the last time we came through...


New one... change... new one... change...


Snap out of it, George!! Tell me --


Jim, he's in shock!


If you'd seen it, you'd know... the whole thing's a weapon, designed to subvert entire societies... straight out of Marx...


It started with promises of "hope and change"... then a "stimulus"... largest spending increase in history... bankrupted the entire country...


Then it shut down all of our communications systems... radio... everything...


It destroys entire societies... chops it into rubble...


But what is it??


Captain! Bridge here! There's... there's...


On my way...


Captain... it's some kind of Marxist doomsday machine... spending as far as the eye can see... bankrupting entire countries with worthless programs that don't work...


It's opening hailing frequencies...


On screen.


USS Enterprise: embrace the hope and change. My name is Barack Obama.


Resistance is -- you guessed it -- futile.


I can destroy any society using the Alinsky playbook. Create class envy. Preach change and transparency. Pretend to embrace mainstream values.


And all the while, lie through your teeth. I read Alinsky.


Ah, a worthy adversary at last.


Unfortunately, Kirk, that sentence will be your last...


Captain! He's increased his spending to maximum... sucking us into his next "stimulus" bill...


To be continued...

Linked by: Ed Driscoll. Thanks!