Sean Penn, Democratic Senior Foreign Affairs Adviser

Through an exclusive cross-posting agreement with The Stuffington Roast, we are pleased to offer an opinion piece authored by none other than Hollywood acting star and Democratic senior foreign affairs adviser, Sean Penn. He brought voice to his unique anti-war vision at a town hall meeting in Oakland, California.


Several years ago, I addressed the issue of war in an open letter to our President. Having not received a response -- and also having assumed a thought-leadership position in the Democratic Party -- I thought it was "past time at Ridgemont High" to revisit this outrageous conflict.


Sure, we could blame Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, or an incompetent Congress. After all, their diabolical evil knows no bounds. One only need recall that Cheney shot Condi in the tush during a recent so-called "hunting" trip, or was that just a cover story for a love affair that could result in a true spawn of Satan?


But I digress. America's evil and malicious military power should be in the hands of people like you and me. Instead, it rests in the hands of a so-called "commander-in-chief". What gives George W. Bush these ridiculous rights? Just one small piece of paper called a "constitution".


And since Bush has laid waste to said "constitution", I ask how can he be a real commander-in-chief? After the Dixie Chicks mysteriously disappeared, and Bill Maher was executed by a firing squad, and Keith Olbermann's tongue cut out, and American Bandstand canceled, what more needs to be said?


Bush has broken our country and our hearts. Wherefore art thou, Dick Clark? The blood is on your hands, oh evil administration, since you allowed September 11, 2001 to happen.


All the warning signs were there! President Clinton, in his infinite wisdom, provided you with all of the intelligence and proof you needed -- allowing our great country to be attacked eight times prior to 9/11. How could you not see what was coming?


Now you screech at us to "support the troops" and claim that we are hurting morale when we shriek "Abu Graib" and "Gitmo" or perform simple acts of civil disobedience. We burn troops in effigy and urinate on them because we support them. We call them Nazis and liken them to those who ran Gulags as a way of showing we're behind them.


You and your paid-off, monkey-boy pundits, those who soil themselves at the mere mention of Anna Nicole Smith or Natalie Holoway, you can take that noise and insert it into your septum. That is, if a septum is what I think it is.


We will be deceived no longer. Unlike you, Bush, we Democrats have never wavered in our anti-war direction.


You lied and connived our way into a war. There was never any "Al Qaeda in Iraq" or terrorists named Abu Abbas, Abu Nidal, or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. There was never any Boeing 707 used to train hijackers in a Baghdad suburb called Salman Pak. In fact, Saddam Hussein had no ties to terrorism whatsoever! All of these tales were lies! Lies, I say!!


And Mister Bush: why are your daughters not serving in Iraq right now? Other than the fact that we have a volunteer military, of course. Do they not support your policy? Or do they have minds of their own? Chickenhawks! They are chickenhawks! The Bush daughters are **squawk** chicken hawks!


Hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis due to you, Bush! And though that Lancet study of the number of Iraq dead has been utterly discredited, I will still harp on it! After all, Saddam Hussein was a saint who had no ties to terrorism... and had no WMDs whatsoever!


And now you dare to rattle sabers toward Iran? These so-called fifteen kidnapped British soldiers and Iran's threats to wipe the U.S. off the face of the Earth aren't credible!


So Iran wants a nuclear weapon? We have one! Why not them? After all, we're just as corrupt as they are! We are morally equivalent! They're just posturing when they say that they will eradicate the U.S., the U.K., and Israel. It's a simple joke, lost in translation, not unlike an Iranian Henny Youngman who speaks in Urdu, thus the confused punchlines.


We are told not to engage in the "politics of attack!" To "keep away from the negative!" Well, Mr. Bush, when speaking of your administration, that would leave us fuming... having even more temper tantrums than usual! We stomp our feet and wail... but you ignore us! Well, you do so at your own administration's peril.


In conclusion, I address my remaining remarks to the choir or at least the chorus: it is time, yes time, for impeachment. I do not know the legal basis for such an act, I just know it sounds good. It is a powerful word. Scary.


Unfortunately, even a so-called victory for fellow Democrats in the House of Representatives brings us no closer to retreat. We must pull out immediately from all wars: in Iraq and elsewhere. War is unjust and mean. By talking to our enemies, even irrational, fascist dictators with delusions of messianic grandeur we are certain to advance the cause of peace, love, and understanding.


There are presidential candidates who understand this. We do have candidates of conscience. As things stand today, I will be voting for Dennis Kucinich, who has fought this war from the beginning. You might say Kucinich can't win and you'd be right. But I don't give a crap. It demonstrates that I have a firm grasp on reality as evidenced by this entire speech.


Thank you for your attention and please help make "President Kucinich" a reality in 2008. It's our choice, dammit! Why can't you people understand this?? Dammit all to hell and back! You people are ridiculous! Hand me that bottle of Jack, will you?