And they say no one can predict the future!

By gum, I'm out to prove "they" wrong. I can guaran-damn-tee that the following will take place within the next two weeks. I just wish my prescience worked on the stock market.


MSNBC's Keith Olbermann will demand that Hillary gets the troops to retreat faster; that Attorney General Gonzales throw himself into a giant margarita blender to make amends for the DOJ firings; and will name George W. Bush the "worst President ever" for standing under a Bong Hits 4 Jesus banner on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln.


CNN's Wolf Blitzer will praise the 'resilience' of the Iraq insurgency and describe how the surge ain't working, but will studiously avoid the use of any statistics (because, of course, they clearly show that the surge is working).


The NY Times' Maureen Dowd will, using her patented and well nigh unreadable style, extend her anti-administration op-ed streak to 75. In doing so, she'll use the respectful term "Bushies" four or more times while referencing the ethical integrity of Dan Rather.


The Boston Globe's Richard Cohen will verbally smack himself in the forehead for initially supporting the war; then proceed to pillory the administration, the troops, the poor quality of his George W. Bush Pez dispenser, and the taste of Coors Light Beer ("Coors Light... isn't that redundant?"). Cohen will also lift and reuse several entire paragraphs (using highly advanced "copy" and "paste" word-processing functions) from previous columns.

The Times' Nicholas Kristof will pillory Israel for the lack of progress in the Middle East peace process, despite Oslo Accords and the failure of Palestinian leadership to even acknowledge Israel's right to exist. Hey Nick, I suggest you validate your assertions by negotiating with a suicide bomber when you're buying a slice at Sbarro Pizza.

And they say no one can predict the future.