Eric Holder's Spicy Tuna Roll

What do we got, today, George?

Uhm, first file: those terrorists from Los Macheteros who petitioned for release?

Refresh my memory. What'd they do?

You know, the ones who bombed 130 different locations, robbed a couple of banks, killed six people and injured a couple of hundred others.

Oh, that's right. Stamp that one: PARDON.

Okey doke. Next file: that financier friend of the big-wigs... he's a fugitive living in Switzerland who committed tax evasion, racketeering and trading with the enemy. But his wife looks like she'll pony up a million for various "good causes".

Okay, that's a PARDON.

#3: those Black Panthers who stood at a polling place, dressed in paramilitary garb, swinging billy clubs and screaming racial threats?

Mmmm, that's a tough one. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if he... just kidding: PARDON.

Finally, we've got the CIA agents who were interrogating the USS Cole and 9/11 terrorists.

What'd they do, again?

Brace yourself, this is some shocking stuff. First, they blew cigar smoke in the USS Cole bomber's face...

Cigar smoke? What the...?

It gets worse. They revved up a power drill to scare the guy. They made lots of scary noises like that.

I've heard enough! Those sons of b***hes! That is just un-f***ing-acceptable! Throw the book at 'em, Georgie! Throw the book at 'em. Let 'em know: We. Mean. Business.

Oh, and George, could you call up my personal physician at Bethesda and book an appointment for me this afternoon? Those spicy tuna rolls gave me a real tummy ache.

Sure thing, boss. Whoa! Criminey... ...uhm, before I take these files over to Barry, I'll have Anne Marie get you some Gas-X.