A public service announcement from Janet Napolitano

The following is a public service announcement from the Secretary of Homeland Security, Ms. Janet Napolitano.

Good evening. My fellow Americans, I speak to you this evening to address the controversy that has erupted over our enhanced screening techniques (ESTs), which were designed to ensure the safety and equal rights of all religions.

A little background may be in order. We all remember the tragic, man-caused disaster of 9/11. This resulted in new ESTs, including banning of small knives, childrens' scissors, and other dangerous weapons.

Shortly thereafter, airline passengers were able to prevent a shoe-bomb from detonating. We upgraded our ESTs to include shoe removal and scanning.

Several months later, a plot was uncovered to bring down airliners using liquids carried on board in water bottles. We modified our ESTs to ban all fluid containers over 4 ounces in size.

Late last year, a passenger of an unspecified religious background used under-garments constructed with an explosive material to attempt to destroy an airplane. Reacting swiftly to this development, I ordered the deployment of full-body scanning technology and complete pat-downs of passengers.

Yesterday, a man was captured after boarding a plane with a specially constructed bomb that had been inserted into his rectum. This weapon's plastic construction and use of PETN had evaded our screening process.

I'm therefore pleased to announce the addition of a new EST that will be added to our suite of counter-man-made-disaster measures. After your full-body scan or pat-down, simply grab your ankles, bend over and wait for the attendant to release your hips.

This is a small price to pay to ensure that we will never have to profile certain religions, no matter how obvious that need may become.

One more thing: you are required to bring your own lubricant -- the container for which may not be over 4 ounces in size.

Thank you, and may secular Gaia bless this country.