Hi, I'm Omar, the Obama administration's official kid's ambassador. Today I'll be guiding you through some of the many necessary regulations that government imposes on us for our protection -- and we'll learn the alphabet at the same time!
A is for auto. The size, speed, fuel and bumpers of autos must be regulated to protect us from ourselves!
B is for business. Government must levy taxes, regulations, fees, surcharges and paperwork on businesses, lest they take advantage of workers.
C is for cupcakes. Every aspect of child nutrition must be controlled -- because we can't leave it up to the parents!
D is for doctor. Health care guidelines make sure every doctor practices medicine the same way.
E is for electricity. Americans must expect to do without electricity from time to time, because we use so much of the world's resources. That is why American coal, nuclear, gas and other sources of energy must be restricted.
F is for fare. Cab fares must be tightly controlled down to the tenth-mile because small business owners simply can not be trusted.
G is for ginkgo and other medicinal herbs, which can not be sold without oversight by the FDA, state and local agencies. They're looking out for us!
H is for Happy Meals. Selling toys with food is an evil marketing tactic, which kids and parents should not be exposed to!
I is for immigrants, documented or not. We must welcome everyone into our country, because open borders and a welfare state promote tolerance and unity.
J is for junk-mail. No longer can marketers promote their products without a complete review by federal, state and local authorities.
K is for knives. Even pen knives and bottles of shampoo represent threats to airline safety and must be confiscated for our protection!
L is for lollipop. Only organic lollipops that contain less than 25 grams of sugar can be sold in the U.S. It's for our protection!
M is for MRI machine. Overrated tests and diagnostics aren't always needed for seniors, based upon the government's "Complete Lives System", which ensures fair and equitable treatment for most healthy Americans.
N is for NEA, the teacher's union that has its first priority educamating us kids (after electing big government politicians, that is)!
O is for oil, the source of automotive energy around the world. Government must prevent drilling for oil because cars represent freedom to move around the country.
P is for prescription drugs. For safety reasons, government must put drug manufacturers through decades of testing and regulatory hoops even if certain patients could use experimental drugs. These dying patients could actually die if they're exposed to drugs that aren't ready for the market!
Q is for QWERTY keyboards, the electric current, operation and safety for which must be reviewed by multiple agencies for our protection.
R is for the rich. At some point, they've made enough money. Those who have grown too wealthy on the backs of the workers should have their excess riches confiscated for redistribution.
S is for shower-head. Unrestricted flow wastes water, which is why government must regulate how all shower-heads work.
T is for toilet. All toilet designs must be reviewed by federal officials to ensure less wasted water.
U is for unions. Unions are collectives of workers who band together to protect workers and elect big government politicians.
V is for vending machine. Government needs to set standards for what kinds of drinks and snacks may be sold to gullible consumers.
W is for warmal colding, the climate change phenomenon caused by humans which results in crazy streaks of hot and cold weather.
X is for X-ray machine. X-rays are discouraged in medical settings (for cost reasons) but used extensively in airline security.
Y is for yacht. Democrat leaders like John Kerry use yachts to visit constituents, but others who own them should be considered overly rich.
Z is for zebra-suits -- the nickname for federal prisoners who violate the hundreds of thousands of regulations that protect us 24 hours a day!
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