Meet the Press: Harry Reid's Plan for America

 
Senator Reid, many on the right side of the aisle took you to task for saying the war is 'lost'. How do you respond to your critics?

No one wants to succeed in Iraq more than I do, but this war cannot be won militarily. It must be won diplomatically, via earmarks, and backroom political corner-cutting.

But can negotiation be expected to dampen the ever-growing threat of global extremism?

We on the left side of the aisle believe war never solved anything.

You mean 'war never solved anything' except for ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism?

Don't be a smart-ass, Tim. You know what I mean.

Not sure that I do, Senator. How does calling the war 'lost' help anyone but Al Qaeda?

The truth will set you free, Tim. How can our military possibly stand up to the terr-- uhm, insurgents' -- awful weapons of AK-47s, suicide bomb-belts, and old artillery shells? Their weapons are too powerful, their tactics too sophisticated, and their goals too evil for us to prevail!

Senator, where do we draw a line in the sand, so to speak? Global Islamic totalitarianism has been on the march since 1979 with the Iranian Hostage crisis and continues to escalate...

We Democrats and our friends in the mainstream media believe that terrorism is a criminal enterprise. We think the RICO statute and the prosecution of Junior Soprano are lynchpins in our anti-terror operations.

So you would treat the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, Bali, Beslan, Madrid, London, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Israel, Mumbai, Kashmir, Thailand, Darfur, Somalia, Australia, Indonesia, and the Philippines as criminal investigations?

Exactly. These are all separate incidents that require their own, independent investigations. And that's why we've demanded that the President ask the City of Las Vegas for access to CSI's Gil Grissom, Nick Stokes, and Catherine Willows.

Errr... but, Senator, they're fictional characters. They're not real forensic detectives.

No matter -- think how impressed the media will be... think of the photo opps... when that team steps off a private jet in Abu Dhabi or wherever the next terrorist attack is! Picture this: a closeup of Catherine de-planing. She's wearing sun-glasses, walking down the steps in a desert wind, her hair framing her face, her clothes whipping about her, accentuating her figure, her leather chaps gently caressing her thighs...

Back to Iraq, though - what do you say to critics who point out that actual military losses pale in comparison to typical peacetime fatalities?

Like Twain said, there are lies, damn lies, and damn right wing conspiracy statistical lies.

But, sir, how would you deal "diplomatically" with terrorists who seek our destruction?

Oh, that's easy, Tim! We seek out moderate terrorists!

Moderate terrorists?

Yes, they only blow up old people and farm animals.

So, if we do negotiate a withdrawal with moderate terrorists, how do you propose to protect the U.S. from the real extremists, who are likely to strengthen and follow us back here?

I'm glad you asked that, Tim. I call my plan Operation Invisible Maginot Fence. It involves building a series of fortified installations at all major ports -- something this administration was loathe to do -- that can protect the American people from nuclear weapons, hurricanes, and Wal-Mart's low-cost imports.

Well, thank you for your time, Senator Custer -- I mean Senator Reid. I know you have a pressing appointment...

Indeed I do. I've got an interview with Al-Jazeera television. And I'm hoping to take my message -- that the war is lost -- directly to the Arab street in the hopes that the terr-- uhm, insurgents -- leave us alone. I call this Operation Neville Pelosi Chamberlain and it's guaranteed to succeed, at least until the '08 elections are over!


Update: Welcome Gateway Pundit, Pajamas Media, and Wizbang readers! At right you'll find some additional illustrated posts, including Presidential Jeopardy and Al Gore's Second Annual Carbon Offset Going-out-of-business-Sale!.