analysis policy in all the world

Keith Olbermann's gonna have a revolution

Sister Toldjah has done fearless work, documenting the latest rumblings from the fever swamp. Their current conspiracy theory: Bush and Rove are way too confident about the midterm elections. What could they be up to? What diabolical plans are in motion that will again send the Dems down to defeat? But, if the GOP robs them again, they'll, "take it to the streets!" Or, as Blue Crab so eloquently puts it, they'll "send the chauffeur to the barricades."

Our fearless reporters here at DR@J figured that if anyone could grok the mindset of the Soros-HuffPo-Kos Klan, it's Keith "A Clockwork Strawberry" Olbermann. So, in spite of the feverish temperatures and all of the restless thrashing, our patented micro-Blogotronic™ recorder survived a journey into the brain of Keith Olbermann. Be warned: this is raw footage, recorded directly from an Olbermann dream last night. We haven't cut a thing. You can thank us later.

Cue the Olbermann dream sequence!

This is Diebold's electronic voting results hotline. May I take your order?

Hold on, young lady, let me check. Hey Dick, how many seats we wanna win the House by?

Let's make it close. We don't need any more hard-hitting investigations like Rolling Stone's - they got way too close to the truth. How's winning by three seats sound?

That's a nice round number. How 'bout the Senate?

With Lieberman in our pocket, we only need to win by one or two.

Great. Let's make it two. Okay, young lady, I think we've got our order: we'd like to win the House by three seats and the Senate by two...

That won't be a problem. Let me get your confirmation number for you...

Just use your al-go-rhythymic magic to make those results happen!

Heh... Al. Gore. Ithm. Al-go-rithm. Get it? I wonder if he invented the voting machine and not just the Internet?

...Mister President, I have your confirmation number ready: two-zero-zero-zero, two-zero-zero-four.

Got it: two thousand, two thousand and four. That's easy to remember! Thank you, young lady. Oh, and remember to vote on November 6. Now that I think about it, I guess it doesn't matter if you vote! Buh-bye!

Okay, Mr. President, just a couple of more calls to make and then you can take that nap you asked about.

Who's next?

Our traditional October surprise... you know who...

Got it. Let me use the speed-dial.

'Ello?

This is G-Dub. Binnie?

Yais.

For the love of pete, it's already October 22nd! When are you gonna release that new tape?

It's not like we have a freaking studio here in the cave! Abdul has a Sony Betamax recorder from 1985. We operate on generator power! You really have a lot of nerve!

Just get it out to Al-Jazeera or CNN, makes no difference which.

Will do. Talk witcha later.

Alright, we're almost done. Call the nut and tell him what the results will be.

Hello?

Kenny, baby!

Yes, Emperor? How can I be of service?

Just wanted to give you the results... heh... a little ahead of time. We're gonna win the House by three seats and the Senate by two. And Ken...

Yes, your eminence?

...make it look good in Ohio. Make it look close when you beat that clown for the Governorship. Close, but no recounts!

Yes, sir. It is both a pleasure and an honor to serve you, sir.

Okay, talk at you later.

Alright, last call and then it's nappy time. Speed-dial the shrieker.

Him again? We really set him off in '04...

Yeeeesssss? Who is this?

Howard, hey, it's me... G-Dub.

WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT???

Just wanted to congratulate you ahead of time. You're gonna take... AERRIRIGHGHGHIEEEEEEE!!! ...a bunch of seats in the House and Senate... ARGGHIEIEIEIEIEIEIIEIE!!!

Just STOP it already! The joke's been stale for more than two years now!

Ya gotta admit: it's a classic. Never gets old! Later, chump.