THE NEGOTIATION: Selling John Boehner a Car

Salesman: Welcome to District Chevrolet, can I help you with something?

Boehner: Lookin' for a sedan (*cough*). One with four doors.

S: Power ashtrays?

B: You know it, sonny.

S: How much you lookin' to spend?

B: Ehhh, unnngh, maybe... six... six hunnert a month, tops.

S: Well, we have several sedans in that price range. How much you lookin' to put down?

B: Fifteen grand, tops.

S: How 'bout mileage? Good gas mileage important for ya?

B: Damn straight it is.

S: Well, based on those precise criteria, I got just the ride for you then. This beauty right here (points to a shiny black sedan) is the 2012 Chevrolet Volt, which by most accounts is a collector's item.

B: I thought you couldn't sell any of those things.

S: That's a damn lie! Eh, pardon my French, sir, but we get that a lot. The Volt is one of our top sellers, plus they fixed the kersplodin' battery problem and the melting power cord issue, best we can tell.

B: You say it's a collector's item?

S: That's what all, eh, most, uhm, some of the, er, experts say.

B: Must say it looks purty sweet. What's one of these bad boys run?

S: Well, with a fifteen grand down payment... (whips out calculator, starts clicking keys)... 'bout $675 a month.

B: Hot damn, that's pretty close to what I wanted.

S: Tell you what (looks to either side, starts talking in a hushed voice)... you look like a real pro at negotiating --

B: Damn straight.

S: Don't tell my manager, but I can get you into the Deluxe model for an extra $14 a month if you sign tonight.

B: What's on the Deluxe model?

S: Couple of really nice items: you get the rustproof undercoating and the luxury, deluxe floor mats in plush velour. Softest damn floor mats in the world, guaranteed.

B: Sounds pretty good. You sure it's only $14 extra a month?

S: Like I said, don't tell my manager.

B: Hell, I won't! Do I look like a punk to you? I can smell a good deal when I see one.

S: Alright! You wanna me to write this puppy up? I got another guy who was lookin' at this car an hour ago and just went to get his wife...

B: Well, hell -- I better do it. Why don't you write it up.

S: Sure, enough. You can't get a better 84-month lease deal than this one, as far as you know.

B: Just hurry up. That other guy may come back with his freaking wife!