Exclusive: CNN's Amanpour interviews Ahmadinejad

I'm CNN chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour. I recently visited Tehran, Iran for an exclusive interview with president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad.


Do you see? Do you see, Christiane???


What is this you're waving, Mr. President?


It's the New York Times! Thomas Friedman! We are natural allies!


How do you mean?


We are not after conflict. We are peaceful people. We are not after war.


Is this the view of, say, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei? Your supreme leader?


No... it's the view of Mayor McCheese. Yes, Khamenei!


But how do you feel about Washington increasing pressure against Iran lately? Blaming Tehran for funneling weapons into Iraq?


A patent falsehood! Those explosively formed penetrators were manufactured in --er-- some other country. Like... Al Qaeda-istan!


What about Iran's nuclear program? Are you really after civilian nuclear power? Or something more?


We considered windmills, but Al Gore convinced us that global warming would destroy their effectiveness. We require nuclear power because oil is so expensive.


But do you want the bomb?


No... no... it's all about power. Peaceful power. And... peace... peace will guide the planets. And love will fill the sun!


Is it time for Iran and America to talk directly?


Each of us is afraid of looking weak if we take the first step. We must say to each other, "I am not weak." I am not weak! Check out these biceps! I call them the 'pythons of jihad'... easily a foot in circumference.


Some would ask how we can be allies when many say you are creating chaos on Iraq??


Al Qaeda!


What??


Al Qaeda is our enemy! Enemies of us both! For example, they don't believe in Santa Claus. Or Elvis even.


But why are you interested in extending an olive branch now? Why now?


When your President Bush talks about our involvement with Iraq... my sphincter is clenching. Forcefully. I am having to withhold leakage from my underpants.


What about Israel? Why would you help Hezbollah?


The old saying: the enema of our enema is our friend.


Even so, what about critics who say that Iran has been at war with America since 1979?


When Mr. Bush called us an 'Axis of Evil', we were psychologically damaged. We had to go on Paxil. We were insulted. We were very much scratching our heads, since we have been seeking a way of engaging with the U.S.


But which country will take the first step at rapprochement?


We must both take a step in a direction of peace. Christiane, I must say your eyes... are bedeviling...


You... You know you don't have to act with me, Mahmoud.


I am becoming tumescent, Christiane...


You don't have to say anything, and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing.


...


Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you, Mahmoud? You just put your lips together and... blow.


Piano player! Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'


...A beautiful song... so... romantic...


Of all the gin joints... in all the towns... in all the world, she walks into mine.


This is Christiane Amanpour... signing off from Tehran... for the night, at the very least.


It's tragically typical that CNN's 'journalists' can't ask the simple questions that even a nineteen year-old cub reporter could have come up with. Perhaps a question about Iran's declaration of war against the U.S., the U.K., and Israel? Or Iran's funding of terrorism throughout the world? Well, these and other questions are apparently beyond the comprehension of useful dupes like Amanpour. Not exactly powerful intellects, to be sure. And where their true loyalties lie is anyone's guess.

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